m a r k a n d e y a

The Onion goes crazy on July 4th

Posted by Brian on July 4, 2007

First this one:

NEW YORK (Sept. 3)—The already jubilant mood of the Republican National Convention was given a further boost Thursday night when, during his closing address at Madison Square Garden, President Bush uttered the phrase “the lessons of Sept. 11” for the one-millionth time. “The American people have risen to the challenges of the past three years, working tirelessly to ensure that the world will never forget…the lessons of Sept. 11,” Bush said and outstretched his arms as balloons and confetti rained down on the delegates, whose deafening cheers lasted nearly five minutes. To make the event possible, Bush crammed hundreds of references to the “lessons of Sept. 11” into campaign speeches during the days leading up to the speech, sometimes simply chanting the four words repeatedly for several minutes.

And this one (a classic from 1999):

WASHINGTON, DC—With Wall Street booming, the U.S. military standing tall, and Mark McGwire kicking ass and taking names, Congress passed the Helms-Bayh “America Is #1” bill by an overwhelming majority Monday.

“My esteemed colleagues, all of us have long known that America is number one,” said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, announcing the bill’s 92-7 passage. “But now it is official. USA! USA! USA!”

And then there is this one (no link, though this was found here):

“I don’t watch the nightly newscasts on TV, nor do I watch the endless hours of people giving their opinion about things,” the president said. “I don’t read the editorial pages; I don’t read the columnists.”

Yet Mr. Bush regularly monitors the news pages of a select few daily publications.

“I get the newspapers — the New York Times, The Washington Times, The Washington Post and USA Today — those are the four papers delivered,” he said. “I can scan a front page, and if there is a particular story of interest, I’ll skim it.”

Which, to be honest, isn’t actually from The Onion; it’s a fact. I know… hard to believe…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: